Seriously, is no one else aggravated by this. You always watch films, read books, listen to music about people who are clueless in their life, but it always seems so fatuous with them.
It's all really superficial as they fret over should they or shouldn't they have a career, but it's the principle of this entire life that bugs me.
If i do or do not settle down what difference will it make at the end of the day. It's times like these that i feel so insecure about my existence. My confidence in myself and my abilities will very rarely - if ever - fall short of my expectations, but the notion of a life, a standard 90 year life, amounting to absolutely nothing is mind blowing.
I'm certain if more people took the time out of their day to think about the idea of a pointless life, not many people would get any work done. To think that even the people who claimed to have truly "lived" in this life end up going the same way as the rest of us will: alone with no REAL impact on the rest of the world.
As revolutionary as Martin Luther King jr was at the end of the day, if he never had that dream, guess what? Someone else would have. If Einstein had never pondered the ramifications of a universe centred around relativity, someone else would have. If Stephen Hawking never coins the theory of everything...sooner or later, someone else will.
As a species unified we achieve very little day in day out. As individual nations we achieve significantly less day in day out. And as an individual - with no one else with whom we can unite and pool our daily achievements, activities, experiences and lessons - our day to day goings pale in significance to anything substantial.
I've got myself a bucket list, a list of things i want to do before i die...what difference will that list make to the world if i never see them out. What if i never bungy jump, what if i never visit china, what if i never have a threesome. It won't matter to me when i'm 6 feet under, churning over, decomposing and adding to the circle of life. And it won't matter to the bungy jump workers whether they get to meet me or not; whether china gets some of my hard earned cash or not; nor will it matter to those two girls if they ever engage in a night of coital relations or not.
At the end of the day what matters?
So i didn't end up getting published, so i didn't get to see my book on shelves all around the world, so Stephen King didn't end up writing my blurbs, so I didn't get a cheque that would financially secure me for life.
Wherever i walk in life, does it really make a difference.
Existence bugs me. I can't get my head around the concept. I learnt a long time ago that there is no black and white in this world. Nothing is that simple. There are no certainties; there are just grey areas...all over.
If there is a god what was his purpose, if there isn't a God can i accept that all this came about by chance.
Will any of this life linger in something that could be slightly referred to as a mind when i die? Will i remember fondly on the good times i have had from the perspective of some existential form of being?
Will i become the stars and look down on the earth and see everyone making the same mistakes i made, fretting just like i did as i calmly sit back knowing it'll be "alright"?
Will the worms that eat me - just for a second - get a taste of my life, my experiences, my memories and feel what it was to be me?
I never know what i'm essentially trying to say when i think like this. I'm thinking all the things everyone else thinks, i'm sure...only i put it more eloquently than some and not as so as others.
At the end of the day, it's people like me who end up over-thinking these things, and eventually are prescribed cannabis to alleviate such intense insomnia driven nights.
What is it they say? C'est la vie. I always think of that Irish girl group when i say "C'est la vie"...what were they called? Bewitched!!! That's them...
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