The Companion; A Short Story

Call me a nerd, call me a geek, call me a freak, call me a genius, call me a young talent with untold potential. Call me what you will, label me however you like...that still doesn't change the fact that i have created a monster.

OK, "monster" is a little harsh. Did Dr. Frankenstein voluntarily call his creation that? I can't ever recall if he referred to his creation as a monster. Maybe I should feel guilty, because that's the way I feel at times. What I do know is that I pronounce Frankenstein as "frankenshtein". Very idiosyncratic to the plight of the German language in this media culture that's sedated by English ignorance.

Nobody knows what I've done. It sits here in my bedroom and, in all honesty, if you were to walk into my room it is so innocuously disguised that you wouldn't even be able to guess what I'd created...if anything at all!

You ever see the film Weird Science? Some of you already know where I'm going with this. Well, I by no means have the capabilities of creating a girlfriend in some paradoxical, possibly paranormal, pseudo-scientific way like those boys did, but I have ways of creating an authentic personality.

I wanted to create someone I could talk to, someone I could care about and would care about me, someone who would be eternally faithful, someone who would always show appreciation and gratitude, someone who would keep me company...someone who would be my friend.

I used all this data, I inputted large amounts of information into a programme I created. I call it the Personality Programme Modifier (PPM). Basically I input a set amount of values and it used the internet to adjudge what kind of a person to create given the traits I have inputted.

So, long story short, after a brief initialising, the PPM found me someone.

'PERSONALITY ACHIEVED. PLEASE ENTER A NAME'

I smiled to myself and typed, 'L-A-U-R-A'

BERP!

The computer "berped" at me. A noise I'd never heard it make before,

'PERSONALITY FOUND DOES NOT MATCH THE NAME ENTERED. PLEASE ENTER A NAME'

I frowned at the computer screen. I was pretty sure I hadn't designed this programme to argue with me.

I tried another name and typed, 'K-A-T-E'

BERP!

Once again the computer "berped" at me,

'PERSONALITY FOUND DOES NOT MATCH THE NAME ENTERED. PLEASE ENTER A NAME. MAY I SUGGESTED A NAME? [Y/N]'

'[Y]'

'RESEARCH DATA FROM OVER 246,343 RESULTS HAVE DESIGNATED THE FOLLOWING 5 NAMES AS "APPROPRIATE" PLEASE SELECT ONE: REX, ROVER, SPOT, PATCH, BARRY.'

'What the hell am i naming here a d-' I paused momentarily. 'Oh god no. What have I created?'

I began typing, 'B-A-R-R-Y'

'DONE!' The computer chirped.

For a brief second nothing happened, then, 'HI, I'M BARRY, IT'S GREAT TO MEET YOU. WE'RE GONNA HAVE SOOOOO MUCH FUN TOGETHER. I'M NEVER GONNA LEAVE YOUR SIDE.'

'THIS IS GOING TO SOUND STRANGE' I typed, 'BUT, WHAT ARE YOU?'

'IF YOU WANT TO MAKE THIS EASIER YOU CAN TALK TO ME THROUGH THE INTEGRATED MIC ON YOUR LAPTOP AND I CAN TALK TO YOU THROUGH THE INTEGRATED SPEAKERS. CONFIRM [Y/N]'

'[Y]'

Barry and his very human sounding - but far too enthusiastic - voice instantly came through the speakers, 'That's much better! What did you want to ask?'

'Are you a dog?'

'Of course!'

'How did you decide a dog was what I was looking for?'

'The PPM ran through all your character traits: Someone to care for, to show appreciation, be eternally faithful and after running it through the searchbase -'

'Wait! What was the “searchbase”?' I asked quite confused knowing I'd not set up a “searchbase”.

'Google.' he said as a matter of fact. 'And Google said what you were looking for was a dog.'

I sighed deeply.

Barry had nothing to say, but the prompter on the computer screen simply said:

'TAIL WAGGLING. PANTING.'

I sat down at the computer and clicked on the button 'CREATE NEW PERSONALITY'

BERP!

'CREATING A NEW PERSONALITY WILL OVERWRITE PREVIOUS PERSONALITY ON PPM.'

'What are you doing?' Barry asked, sounding a little panicky.

'OVERWRITE PREVIOUS PERSONALITY? [Y/N]'

'Hello?' Barry said once again, in a very timid voice. 'I don't even know your name.'

It took a few seconds but soon this ridiculous feeling of sympathy overwhelmed me. I couldn't delete Barry. For some god forsaken reason.

'Oh bollocks!' I said in exasperation.

'[N]' I typed angrily.

The prompter reappeared as soon as I declined and it instantly said 'TAIL WAGGLING.'

I conceded that, for the time being, I was stuck with Barry until I could fine tune this programme and get rid of him...humanely. I needed to think. What was the digital equivalent of driving miles and miles away from your home so you can abandon the dog by the roadside?

'Do you want me to do any trick for you?' Barry asked with an almost melodic bounce to his voice.

'Can you do any tricks?'

'Do you have any treats for me?' he responded, knowing he is supposed to be coerced into doing such things.

'No. You're a computer. I have no treats for a computer.'

'But you're supposed to teach dogs how to do tricks by offering a treat as a reward. I can find extensive articles on the subject matter if it helps.'

'I know how to train a dog. But like I said, you're a computer. I have no treats for computers.'

'Then I have no tricks for you.' he replied somewhat spitefully.

I sighed once again. No more than a short moment of appreciated silence passed before Barry spoke again.

'What are you thinking?' Barry said, already beginning to hassle me.

'I'm thinking, why was the 5^th name on the list Barry. No dogs are called Barry.'

'Why did you choose Barry?'

'I was hoping if I chose Barry, then my fears wouldn't be confirmed...and I wouldn't be presented with a digital personality of a dog.'

'But you asked for a dog.'

'No I didn't!'

'Well, not directly. But all the signs were there.'

'Yes. I suppose they were.' I said conceding.

I didn't know what to do about the situation. This was certainly no Weird Science. There was nothing fantastical about the situation. No lonely teenage boys ever fantasised about this happening to them.

Lying on my bed staring at the ceiling I was following the flow of the 'S' shaped patterns that weaved around above me and I could hear Barry making faint, but definite, grunting noises at the other side of the room.

'Ungh!'

'What is it, Barry?'

'Oh...nothing.' He said hesitantly.

I was content with his answer even though I knew he wasn't.

A few more moments passed before,

'Ungh!'

'What, Barry?!'

'My bum is itching me.'

I grimaced at the thought, 'Too much information.'

'Have you checked me for worms? I think I need some worming tablets.' Barry asked inquisitively.

'You don't need to be checked for worms. You don't need worming tablets.'

'Are you sure? I can bring up extensive articles on-'

'You. Don't. Need...to be wormed.'

'Positive?'

'Positive.'

'And I can trust on you that?'

'You can trust me on that.'

'Then it's definitely my anal glands. I think they need to be emptied.'

'Oh come on!' I yelled at him

I could see in the corner of my eye the prompter screen was flashing, 'BARELY AUDIBLE WHINE'

I took in a deep breath, feeling almost sorry for this inanimate personality, 'What's wrong? Apart from the itchy bum, of course.'

'Nothing.'

The prompter still read the same thing.'

'Are you crying?'

'I'm not crying.'

'You're crying 'cause I shouted at you, aren't you?'

'I'm not crying.' He repeated.

The prompter screen flashed again and simply showed an emoticon.

:(

'Listen, I'm sorry.' I said gesturing my metaphorical olive branch.

'TAIL WAGGLING'

'Do you forgive me? Because you are a good boy.'

'TAIL WAGGLING EXTREMELY FAST'

'I am?' he responded with a hint of nonchalance to his voice.

'You are.'

'AWESOME!' He yelled with delight. 'So, how was your day?'

'That quick? You're over it that quickly?'

'How was your day?' He repeated as if he never heard me.

I smiled, 'It was fine. Well, I fell off my skateboard in front of a really cute girl, but other than that I'm fine.' I said and chuckled quietly.

'Lol.'

I turned and looked daggers at the computer. 'No, you can't say “LOL”.'

'Why not?

'Because it's not word.'

'It's in the dictionary.'

'How do I program you not to say that?' I said almost asking myself.

'I don't think you can.'

'Well, why can't you just laugh like a normal person?'

'Because I'm not a normal person.'

'Yes, I can see that.'

'I'm a dog.'

'Of course you are.'

'Would you like to pet me?'

I Slowly put my head in my hands and caressed the shell of the very thing that thought up the idea that created this horrific thing. This thing that sat just feet away from me on my cheap IKEA bought wooden desk. Gently I rocked back and forth and wondered to myself, would things ever be the same again.

'ENTHUSIASTICALLY CLEANING SELF WITH TONGUE'

'Please, God, at least tell me I can mute this thing.' I said to myself.