Shit happens...but friends & family help you through.

It's understandable – it's unwritten, but it's encoded into all our minds the older we get: you're definitively human if you end up getting hurt in your life. When I say get hurt I don't just mean physically. I mean it in every concept applicable to the human state. The kind of hurt where you are rocked to your core. Like an earthquake in your soul.

At some point in our lives we all experience hurt of those proportions. For me I'd gone through 28 years of being lucky, because I'd never before felt the pain that I felt four months ago.

I'm not going to go into the story, but suffice to say I was betrayed. I put so much of myself into this girl that when the truth finally came out I felt like I didn't get any of it back. This wasn't a relationship, it wasn't what you see on TV. This was me putting my trust and putting my future into her hands. Continually putting my trust in this girl was a tiring act, yet foolishly I continued to believe her because she told me time and time again I could trust her. Time and time again I defended her, but like a rope being pulled to it's extremes my trust and my energy began to fray.

Needless to say, at the end of the ordeal, the whole truth - the whole idea of my future - crumbled beneath me. I stood and fought on that day; I stayed strong and I vowed for it not to get me down. I refused to look weak in front of my mum, but as soon as I told my dad about the situation I lost it. I regard my parents as some of my best friends and as I told my dad about what happened I could see how sad it was for him to hear. 4 months later and I can still see his face. It was then I realised that this act of betrayal on me had broken my parents hearts...and seeing their hearts broken hurt me more than I would ever thought possible. My heart also broke that day. I can still remember sitting there, in my living room that I knew to be so familiar, wrapped in the arms of my parents who have looked after me all my life and I couldn't help but feel lost.

I bounced back from that day. I realised that the life – the future – I so faithfully believed in was a lie and always had been. Yet I've always been a strong person, I pride myself on the faith I have in my own abilities, the confidence I have in myself to achieve anything I want in life and I have never – and will never – let what happened that day get to me. I have the occasional bad day, a few hours where I think about how I was lied to, but that's just natural and that's happening less and less as time goes by.

For a short time after the truth unfolded I quickly found out who my friends really were. Who were there for me and had my back; and unfortunately those who didn't entirely stand by me, but just cowardly sat on the fence. I can safely say, those cowardly individuals are no longer my friends.

2 weeks after that happened I had already made up my mind that I was going to get out of the stagnancy of the life I was living. There was nothing for me back at home and I decided to make my way out to New Zealand. I had friends there and in Australia – good friends...no, brilliant friends. It's been hard work since I got out to New Zealand, but I have no regrets in traveling to the other side of the world and not a day goes by where I don't thank my lucky stars, however many Gods there are, my 4 leaf clover, my rabbits foot, my good genetics – whatever I want to thank – that I'm strong enough to take this one on the chin.

They say that difficult times are sent to test you in life. I'm not sure if that's true, but you learn a lot from these times, that's for sure.

It's having experienced this hurt that I ask you – whoever you are, reading this – to please, think of other people before you take actions. I'd hate to think that I was ever a person in someone elses life that made them feel the way I felt four months ago because of that certain girl. I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone.

I used to be a very trusting guy. I'd only think good of people until I was proven wrong. This mind set came back to hurt me. I've learnt, not that I shouldn't trust people anymore, but that I should be more weary of the people I trust. I've learnt not to be quite so naïve – which is a valuable lesson for a guy like me who isn't altogether that bright. But in the words of Roger Alan Wade, “If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough.” Great words.

This event has affected me fundamentally. I have made many new friends since being out in New Zealand, but I'm hesitant in letting those friendships get any more meaningful. I'm hesitant in making any new relationships. It's something that - I admit – doesn't sit comfortably with me. But as has been my attitude for a while now: if it scares me, I must leap head first into it. Bungy jumping and sky diving scares the hell out of me, hence the reason I've got them scheduled in the upcoming months and I have no doubt that I'll take the plunge sooner rather than later and let my relationships flourish.

This isn't a sob story, this isn't a way to get pity from anyone (although who doesn't like a bit of attention, eh?) this is a little bit of therapy for me, but also it's just me just asking, to whoever reads this, to please consider your actions. Sometimes you can't help but break someone's heart and there's just no avoiding that, but be as considerate as you can. It may be a redundant message, maybe only a few people will read this, but I hope it makes some kind of effect. I wish I could be the only person to ever have to experience that pain so nobody ever has to. But that kind of an attitude, makes me sound like a martyr. A bit like a Welsh Jesus: getting hurt so you don't have to, haha!

Ever the egotist, eh? I write a blog about a time I got hurt and I end up comparing myself to, someone who millions over the world consider as, the son of God.

Can't take me anywhere.

Bloody hell, I'm an old man!

What's wrong with the society of today? I'll tell you what's wrong.
Am I a wise man with years upon years of experience behind my back? No. Am I a scholar with worldly knowledge constantly probing me to excel in whatever field I endveavour to take on? No. Am I wholesomely observant so that nothing slips by me, not even a single newly dyed hair on an under-confident girl? That'll be a no with an Amen from all the girls that have known me personally, professionally and intimately.
But i can see what's in front of my eyes.
The whole world suffers from - and I condemn god for ever creating such a phrase (and I don't even believe in god!) - Peter Pan Syndrome!

Nobody wants to grow the hell up. Or, given that, nobody wants to let anyone else grow up.
You spend the first 21 years of your life trying to grow up as fast as you can; I've seen you girls try to dress older; and everyone starts drinking well before the minimum legal age limit; then you try that infamous tug of the putrid cancer stick. And you know what? You guys are cool. And what is cool? It's being unique. Yup, all 98% of you bastards are "cool".
Why is no one pointing out the irony to kids these days? Someone out there, some media asshole has bombarded the masses with this idea of "cool" and everyone strives to achieve this bullshit notion. Whether it's with labels or getting laid it's doesn't matter - because that's not what cool is about. Remember when "cool" first started coming on the scene? Cool wasn't the popular kid at school, he was the dick that all the popular kids hated. Why? Because he did what he wanted and didn't do what anyone else did. River Phoenix wasn't a slick socialite, and a great athlete. He had a passion for music and for the rights of his fellow man and the animals on earth, but he also didn't talk any shit - he was opinionated. He was also human, which showed clearly as he died in the gutter after speedballing (taking heroin and cocaine), but then tried to take diazepam, which is a drug used to stop ODing - however, it's effects are countered when heroin is taken and he collapsed never to wake again. The consequences aren't cool, his passion, his standpoint, his views - regardless of what everyone thought - that is what made him cool.

 

You can't all be cool. And saying you don't want to be cool, doesn't make you cool either.
The more i think about it the more I dislike the word "cool". It has this androgynous appeal about it to youngsters...and simple minded elders. It neither defines you as a person, nor benefits you as a human.
Yet we aim, we yearn, we flog ourselves to try and achieve this status. I put my hands up, I'm not exempt from this. I too used to try and be cool back in school. Turns out i was just the guy that nobody disliked. But I accepted that a while ago and I feel like I'm a better person because of it. Because I didn't have to meet these expectations I got to do what I liked as a kid. I played football with my mates, on the night before "the exams that define your life" (or so your lead to believe in school) I was busy throwing a ball at Ben's head (one of my best mates) just talking about nothing and everything until it got too dark to see; I'd never gotten drunk until a couple of months after my 18th birthday...whereas I know all the "cool" kids in my year had been doing it for at least 2 years; and I didn't get my first proper girlfriend until my first year at college. And I believe I am a better adult because of it now. I know I'm a better person. Because I lived as a kid, I got what i wanted out of my carefree days; I didn't put myself through an extra two years of going to nightclubs and getting drunk because I know I don't like it - the only reason i like going to nightclubs is to dance!; and not being one of the cool ones I wasn't pressured into getting that girlfriend and doing all the stuff that's expected of you at a much younger age than I would have wanted it to or would have been ready for. I grew up at my own rate, I grew up with only my expectations and my beliefs in what I could achieve and I don't seek anyone's approval except for the ones that matter - from my friends and family...and myself.

For those who were pressured into these situations they got forced to grow up so quickly that they feel like they left that carefree side of themselves behind a long time ago, that they never really got to experience it properly and now they can't accept that they are moving on and growing older. These are the people you see crying in a night club on their 30th birthday because they're getting older, plus because it's 5am and it must be bloody difficult to party til 5am when you're 30...I can't do it now! They're also the people that can't appreciate not going out on the town in any given month or not get wasted and make a fool of themselves; they can't appreciate the joy of meeting up with your friends and just talking to them and having that sober interaction; these are the people that refuse to accept that it's good to get older - and I keep getting better as I get older. I'll keep telling myself that until my mind gives up on me and my heart stops beating as a I die a happy man living my life as I wanted to. They'll keep telling themselves that they're happy with their lives until their body physically can't keep up and they're left exhausted with life, organs bruised from binging too often, looking older than they should for their 40s sulking thinking it's all over and having nothing left to live for.














The 15-30somethings are being convinced this way of life so many people indulge in is the "cool" way to be. I don't judge anyone who lives their lives this way, but for their sake i hope they see their errors sooner rather than when it's too late.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, the god-forsaken Peter Pan Syndrome.
Now, where are my slippers?

Be all you can be...isn't that what the army say?

This world is too big to be in competition with everyone. The only person I have to be in competition with is the guy I am now. If i can better than who he is today, I can't ask for more from myself.

Great team talk, everyone!

There is nothing better than this...

"Making your way in the world today,
Takes everything you've got,
Taking a break from all your worries,
Sure would help a lot.

Wouldn't you like to get away,
Sometimes you wanna go,
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came.

You wanna be where you can see,
Our troubles are all the same,
You wanna go where everybody knows your name."


That, teamed up with a wonderful melody, is just one of the most heart-warming songs you will ever hear.
I've no idea why but i sing that to myself when I miss my parents, friends or my dog from home. It just makes me feel better.
Alas, if you don't know what it's from then i pity your soul.

Cheers!

I Miss My Dog...

Currently over 11,000 miles away and probably sleeping as she so often does, my dog, Jess, is the thing that I miss most in this whole world.

I used to really dislike her as a puppy. She was wild, she was annoying and when we used to play around she'd ruin any garment of clothing she could get her teeth into. But the older she got, the older I got – and we both changed. I was 16 when my dog came into my house as an 8 week old puppy and over the past 12 years it feels like we have both matured together. I was a kid, I wasn't an angry teenager, but I had my grumpy days and for the first time in my life I was starting to think for myself. I began learning to question authority, whether from teachers, police or religion and more than that I began to question society and it's rules. Over the years I have chilled out; I still question authority and if abused I will pull anyone up on it and I still very much like to speak my opinion and I find that my dog has done the exact same thing.

I used to have staring contests with my Jess. I'd stare into her eyes with great intent as she would casually glance into mine before, occasionally, looking around the room out of boredom and I'd always question what was going through her mind. How can you not envy a creature that holds no grudges; that still shows you love if you just hurt it by accident; that always wants to be by your side having some part of their body make contact with some part of your body; and that always remains you best friend even if you're pissed off with the world and everything in it.

I wonder what my dog thinks when she stands outside gazing off into the distance: does she have logical thoughts; can she solve intricate conundrums and arguments; does her superior sense of smell tell her things about this world that we never thought possible; are the physics of the earth, which we struggle to get our heads around, something that is second nature to her; does she have extra senses which answer questions that we have long since pondered about life and that as we know it. It would make sense that only an animal so worldly and so knowledgeable would be so content with sleeping lots and generally walking by the side of your best friend doing nothing all day.

They say simple things please simple minds, but maybe the simple minds are too busy over obsessing with the complex things in life to stand and appreciate the simple things. I maintain that the complex mind understands the complex things in life and understands it's the simple things in life that gives you pleasure, therefore hold the simple things closest to them.

Maybe that's why Jess enjoys going for walks so much; why she rejoices every time we come back into the house, regardless of whether we've been away 5 minutes or 5 hours; maybe it's why she appreciates something as simple as making physical contact with the ones you love; and maybe that's why she doesn't hold grudges if I lock her out of the room, forget that she's outside or step on her tail...because at the end of the day, these are all just trivial issues.

We look down on all other creatures, as if we are the superior ones, but I've had my dog for 12 years now and if you ask me, she's got this life down to a tee. Imagine what we'd discover if only we stopped obsessing about the superficial, petty things in life and just concentrated on the things that matter: the ones we love...our friends and family.

All this came about, simply because, I miss Jess.

Life; or, That as we know it...

  I sometimes find it difficult to live up to expectations that I have for my life at times. Thanks to a cacophony of fictional/non-fictional tales (whether they are from books or movies) I've become a little too used to see people lives unfold in front of me in a very short time. As in depth as the book/movie might be, in comparison to your everyday life they are just one thing: a montage.

  It feels like it's getting dangerous to let myself get caught up in these worlds. You're always scared by the media that the violence and drugs are something you need to look out for and protect yourself from, but no one ever seems to think about this obsession we have with stories. Yes, yes, people are always whining saying TV rots the mind etc. but very rarely do they accept that so do books.

  Story telling is a huge aspect of mankind. Dating thousands of years ago there are cave paintings of our “primitive” ancestors attempting to tell stories. We communicate with each other in such a dextrous and complex manner in this day and age simply because our mind yearned to unleash a creative side tens of thousands of years ago. If we only used communication to say what we needed, then we wouldn't have such a diverse and numerous vocabulary today – but we learned to communicate to say what we wanted. And we wanted entertainment. There was only so much, hunting, humping, eating, sleeping and crafting tools and jewelery we could deal with – our minds craved the thrill of a tale.

  So you see, something as simple as a story is what helped contribute us to be such eloquent speakers with a mind capable of explaining complex and abstract issues with clarity. But back then, stories weren't easy to come by. Like a fire, if it's small and controlled it adds dimensions to our life, but too much of it is certainly dangerous. Today, there is an overwhelming choice of entertainment at our disposal. It's almost as if you have to judge a book by it's cover, because you don't have the time to read the synopses of all these thousands of books out there. I say this is dangerous because our minds aren't supposed to be overwhelmed in such a fashion. Life isn't supposed to go by at 100mph all the time. It's not like a book, “This happens, that happens, consequences, lessons learnt, the end.” We're supposed to take a break from all this. From day one, we are supposed to have days where we're bored out of our minds; we're supposed to sit and think about things, life, friends, family, issues in your life and whatever else is pressing on your mind; you're meant to have days when everything is dull and slow, it gives you time to process your life.

 

  I blame the entertainment industry for my uneasiness. I blame them when on a day off I feel edgy when I haven't done anything. I blame them when I think at 28 I should have experienced more or I should have had more adventures. I blame myself for falling into their trap.

So whatever you're doing think about taking a digital detox. 1 night a week or a fortnight. Don't bother with what you're friends are up to on Facebook; don't pay attention to whoever is crying or having sex on TV; ignore the pretentious author sitting on your bookshelf. Just take in the life you have around you. Go people-watch in town; go stare at the stars at night; go watch the waves lap in at the shore; go exercise and forget everything for a bit; or just go and sit still with your eyes closed in your bedroom.

I'm making my vow to do this from now on: to not get anxious if I don't do anything with my day or my evening; to sort out myself and my life logically and to leave the constant entertainment alone for a while.

There's more to life than living. As paradoxical as that sounds.